Why I said yes (Shaping my kids)

Over the weekend, I asked Brooks to go upstairs, shower and get ready for bed, then he could open some gifts he received.  (He’d been begging to open them for hours, but we were trying to get the house in order, clean up, etc from a busy weekend at home but never at home).

About 2 minutes later, he comes upstairs to my room and says, “Mom, can I open one of my presents now and then right away I’ll go take a shower?  I’ll be really fast and hang my towel and get pjs on.”

Normally, my answer is no when my kids push back on something they are asked to do.  I don’t like to have gray area where they think that every time they whine or ask me to change my mind, I’m going to do it. That’s a slippery slope that’s hard to recover from.

But the way he came up and almost presented it as a business option made me smile inside.  (Gosh, this boy is just like his papa – a master negotiator.)

I said yes and the reason I did is because I want him to recognize when he chooses to take a little risk in a negotiation, sometimes it will pay off. Especially when he approaches it the way that he did – a reasonable compromise and a win-win for both of us.  (He did in fact, take a quick shower, hang his towel and get PJs on right after he opened the gift.)

I also want him to experience WINS.  I feel like I can often come across as a NO mom.

Can I bring all my pokemon cards to the grocery store? No.
Can I have a piece of candy tonight? No.
Can I play outside after we come back from dinner? No.

I want to have my kids feel like they win, too.  That if they approach things reasonably (without crazy whining and complaining), they may be able to argue their case.  I don’t want to turn my kids into little Gingers because I like them better as one-of-a-kind Brooksies (or Landons).

I’m trying to do a better job saying yes.  And letting them figure out what approaches result in success in our house.

Sweet dad moments.

My boys lucked out with their dad.  He really is a hands-on daddy who is constantly shuttling them to their activities, cheering them from the stands and involved in what they have going on with school.  He just loves being the dad of Landon and Brooks.

The other night, I came home to the sweetest images:

Yes, those are our boys uniforms cleaned, laid out and ready to go.  Complete with their belts and socks.  Courtesy of my husband.

Dean takes so much pride in being a baseball daddy – he takes special care to clean their uniforms just so (just like his mom did for him when he played), and always making sure they have all the gear they need and are ready to hit the field with plenty of warm up time.

Seeing those uniforms laid out just reminds me how much he loves his boys.  I see it in the hours they spend in the driveway playing catch, ,throwing pop ups, or taking some swings.  I hear it in the excitement in his voice as he sneaks into the dugout between innings to give a high five or word of encouragement.  And it’s evident in the time he takes to not just show them the skills, but also to teach them the nuances of the game.

He’s a proud dad of two growing ball players.  And I love that I get a front row seat to all the action (and the behind the scenes highlights, too).  Because all that action is the result of lots of behind the scenes work.

Parenting battle: Leaders vs. Followers

On a recent run, I had a realization about my parenting. (I think most of my realizations in life come on runs. I think that’s where God likes to talk to me.)  Lately, I’ve noticed my firstborn is really starting to “follow the crowd” at school.  He’s skipping out on participation and theme days because all of his friends aren’t participating.  This same boy who just a few months ago loved to do all the “extra” activities has now decided that he’s too cool to participate because his friends don’t want to.

I’ve tried to reason with him that it’s actually great practice to stand up and do what you do, even if your friends don’t think it’s a “cool” choice.  After all, the battles he’s facing now with peer pressure are nothing compared to what he’ll face in the next 5-10 years.  I want to set him up for success in life by being able to confidently make his own choices, even if no one else is making that same choice.  The ol’ “if your friends are jumping off a bridge” conundrum.

My realization came less with how things are going with Landon (my firstborn), but more with how I’m handling my secondborn – Brooks.  Brooks is the epitome of “leader” – that boy doesn’t follow any crowd.  When everyone else is playing a game, he’s completely content to go do something else he wants to do.  He has this cool confidence with his choices.  And the challenge is trying to “break him” of always doing things his way.

I realize that I have to be more careful with what I’m teaching him.  He’s a leader and outside of the box thinker, and I don’t want him to learn to “be part of the crowd”.  It’s really the balance of pushing him to lead but also helping him recognize times when he needs to follow (i.e. when the class is working on an assignment is not the best time to ‘do his own thing’).

I admire Brooksie’s confidence and the way he doesn’t do the same thing that everyone else does.  But with that means he’s going to defy my directions more often and push harder to do things his way.

Alternately, while Landon is a rule follower and often very quick to obey anything I ask him to do, I’ve also found he’s quick to follow the guidance of his friends.

Thus my parenting struggle, pushing one to disobey the rules a little more and gain more of his own voice, while finding small ways to keep my independent spirit in line so he isn’t always trying to run his own show and he knows when he it’s time to comply.

Two sons.  Complete opposites.  Parenting challenge.

 

Missing the lasts.

It’s hard to know when the “lasts” will occur with my kids.  Some things are on a calendar – like the last time they’ll be part of the preschool Christmas pageant (this Friday) or the last First Day of School (we still have a ways to go for that one).

But some lasts you can’t estimate.  When is the last time they’ll ask me to come tuck them into bed, or the last time they’ll sneak into my bed on cold mornings and snuggle between Dean and I.

With those kinds of lasts, you go about your day and then like a bolt of lightning it hits you – when was the last time ___(insert moment)__ happened.  You rack your brain to remember the last time it happened… when they last asked you for help with their shoelaces or zipping a jacket.  As my boys grow and become more independent, I often find myself thinking about little things I love and how much longer I’ll get to have them.

• believing in Santa at Christmas
• giving mom kisses and holding her hand
• checking their teeth after brushing
• getting excited to put up Christmas decor
• unsolicited hugs from Brooks – he just comes up at random moments with arms wide open
• asking to watch a cooking show with mom
• packing their lunches
• sweet, innocent prayers together
• wanting to go on bike rides with mom
• sleeping with their special blankies

There are so many sweet Landon-isms and Brooks-isms that have already passed.  Landon no longer says “valinna” (instead of vanilla) and no longer carries Chubby around everywhere.  Brooks stopped kicking stuffed animals out of his bed and his dino obsession is waning.

And it leaves me wondering what will be next to go.  I hope it’s not holding mom’s hand!

Miscellaneousness

As I mentioned last week, our life has been hectic lately.  Well, this post is going to be just as hectic.  Some random stories and highlights from our life lately:

Landon was out of school for Election Day so he went to the polls with Dean and I.  We talked about the voting process.  Then that night, we participated in a much more delicious vote that the kids actually cared about:
Which cupcake is the best?

Brooks loves to look over at the glassed-in parent section whenever he’s doing his lesson to make sure we’re watching him.  I love watching him get more confident and capable in the water.

Somebody decided they needed a haircut, so they took it upon themselves to give one spot in their head a nice tight trim.  He was supposed to be in his room for timeout. Oh, Brooks!

Brooks had to disguise his turkey so he wouldn’t get caught and eaten for Thanksgiving.  He wanted to do a crocodile but we couldn’t figure out how to do that, so we went with a rainbow/leprechaun theme. Mostly because we wanted to use sparkle glitter and glue and that seemed to fit. The best part though, is when I saw them hanging in the hall and noticed the name Brooks gave to his turkey:  “Turtle the Leprechaun”  Seriously, I wonder what it’s like to be in his brain! 🙂

We were recently in the greeting card section of Target. I was checking out the funny cards and the kids were picking cards and asking me over and over to read them outloud.  I did a few and then told them to just let mom do some quick reading of her own so we could get out of there.  While I was reading the cards, Landon started reading a few on his own.  And he can definitely read now…

He starts outloud, “Have a g-ood damun birth-day.”  His eyes get wide as he looks over at me.  “Mom, what does that word say”, pointing to ‘damn’.  I confirmed that it was, in fact, damn.  He replied, “well, mom, I’m not going to read any more of these cards. I don’t know if they have more bad words.”

That’s a lot of random miscellaneous-ness for one post 🙂  And obviously, we’re totally nailing this parenting thing

Mirror Messages

Lately, mornings have been rougher than normal.  I don’t know if it’s the whole darker outside thing or the sometimes cooler temps but my normally up-and-at-’em boys have been harder to get out of bed some days.

Insert Mirror Messages.

I will randomly write notes to them on their bathroom mirrors.

When I find Brooks has snuck into his brothers room, I’ll put a note to both of them in Landon’s bathroom.  If they’re in separate rooms, then they each get a personalized one on their own mirror.

It’s nothing complicated – usually just a note like “you are my sunshine” or “good morning Bubba”. Sometimes I sketch faces for them to stand behind (i.e. I’ll add a mustache or beard that will show up when they stand behind it).

It’s the simplest thing – just a dry erase marker directly on their mirror. But they love waking up to find the messages and I love that they have an extra pep in their step those mornings.

What do you do to shake up the morning routine at your house?

I’m not ready for this. (insert mom tear)

My heart can’t handle this.  A little sign of things to come.

My sweet little boy getting a passed note from a girl at recess.

I continually remind my boys that Mom is the only girl allowed in their life right now.

I’m not ready to find notes from girls in my kids’ stuff!

 

I’m a frustrated mom.

Being a mom seems to be more frustrating than normal lately.  I know, given the few pictures that I take on my phone of happy swimming boys or a sweet moment where my kids are playing well together, you’d think our family life was perfect.  I guess that’s how it might look on the outside.

But if you were within the walls of our home at 6pm on any given night, you’d hear the anger in my voice asking my easily-distracted son to pick up his fork and eat dinner. For the 3rd time.  Threatening lost privileges or spankings for getting out of his seat, yet again.

If you were a fly on the wall in the morning, you’d hear fun, happy moods turn sour as the minutes ticked away to get out the door.  How we went from ahead of schedule to leaving 10 minutes late, I have no idea.  But Fun Mom turns to Grouchy Mom as the kids dilly dally and I’m yelling at them to finish breakfast and get their shoes on.

If you heard the voices in my head asking why their pace is always glacial when we’re trying to navigate a busy parking lot, you’d hear me ask God why this parenting thing is so complicated – why I feel like such a failure all the time.

Lately, it seems that parenting brings more frustration than joy.  I’m trusting that we’re just in a funk and that we’ll get back into our groove.  That I won’t feel so guilty about counting the minutes until they get in bed and I can have a minute of peace. I won’t be exhausted from asking them to do things over and over and over.

In a world where we all put our best moments on facebook or instagram, it’s a reminder that those are snapshots of the highs but there is always a behind the scenes.  The frustrating moments, the tantrums, the slammed doors and harsh words.  It’s all part of this parenting journey that we’re navigating.

It’s hard.  And some days it doesn’t FEEL like it’s worth it. But I know it is.

Boy moments.

My little Brooksie is becoming such a boy.  Yes, at 4 it’s not surprising that his toddler-isms are nearly gone, but lately I’ve seen new ways he’s turning into a smart, complex thinking, coordinated little boy.

When he talks, he uses these adult-like phrases for being such a little thing. (“Actually, I think Jesus would want me to listen and eat my dinner.” “I like vanilla, mom, but my alternate choice is cookies and cream.”)

He’s started asking about situations and people he can pray for.  Like when we rode down the highway and a car was broken down. Brooks wanted to pray that their car would be fixed and they would stay safe.

This week when we played baseball outside, he started hitting daddy’s overhand pitches (a first!) and looked good out there doing it. It wasn’t his usual whiff at a few balls and then go ride his bike.  Instead, he had this all-boy coordination and focus that I haven’t seen from him yet.

He rattles off these math problems that I don’t think he should know the answer to yet.

He’s losing the few remaining toddler traits he had and is becoming all big kid.

If I’m being honest, I’m just a little sad about it.  As my baby, I notice these last things fading away and it’s a reminder that my role as mom is constantly evolving and he continues to become this bright, fun little man.

He’s needing me less and less as he grows. And I’m conflicted – because I love his little boyisms so much, but I’m also so proud of who he’s becoming.

I hope they tell him he’s an awesome dad.

At least a couple times each day, I recognize what a great job my husband is doing as a dad.  It’s not big, over the top things, but it’s the simple, everyday things that make him awesome. He may not even recognize some of the things he does, but I bet that one day those boys will look back and realize how awesome he is.

When my kids graduate high school and move on to their next phase of life, I hope they write a letter like this to him, because it’s all true.

Dad,
You are the best.  I know lots of kids say that about their parents. But I realize they don’t know what they’re missing because they never had you.

You are a constant.  I am so thankful that you are in my life each day.  I appreciate the time we just hung on the couch watching the O’s games – talking about the pitches and players.  You were there each day when I hopped off the bus and each morning when I came down for breakfast.  (Unlike mom, she always slept in.;) ) I know not all kids have that stability in their household of an awesome dad who is always there, but I did.

You taught me hard work. In the office, on the field and in the home.  I know I complained about my chores and mowing the lawn, but I also know I’m a better man for it.  I’ve learned how to juggle responsibilities and that when I work hard I get to enjoy it with downtime too.  You led by example, always helping around the house and in the yard. Your actions spoke louder than your words.

You made time for me.  Yes, we also spent lots of time as a family, but there was a lot of special one-on-one time.  I know you didn’t have to do it, but you wanted to.  It was hours of you throwing me pitches at the field and time grabbing donuts together on the weekends.  I love that we had our own time.

You changed for me.  I know that I’ve changed a lot over the years, but I’m supposed to. I went from a baby to toddler to kid to teenager.  And that whole time you were an adult, an adult who was probably set in his ways, but you changed for me.  When I needed a night owl to help me with my middle school projects, you stayed up with me. When I needed an early riser for my 6am swim lessons, you were my early bird.  When I needed constant help learning the basics of life, you gave me your undivided attention, and when I needed space to learn my lessons and try and fail, you gave me that too.

You showed me the love of a dad and husband.  I’m thankful that you’ve shown me how I want to love my kids and my wife.  I want to be like you – an encourager, patient, disciplined.  Some of my best memories were all the nights you came to tuck me in and ask about my day.  We talked about ball and girls.  You gave me advice sometimes and other times you just let me talk and figure it out on my own.

So dad, thank you. Thanks for being the best. I know it wasn’t easy – you’ve told me more than once my brother and I are a handful! But you stuck with us and I’m pretty proud of where you’ve helped me go! I’m ready for the next stage of this big bad world.

I love you dad.